Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.