I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup