I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen