Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
🤣🤣🤣
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.