[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab