My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits