Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Sending in my taxes
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.