Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Thinking about Jeff
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted