Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You Might Also Like
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…