I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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SCARY COSTUME
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.