You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”