If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Meow
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.