me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I don’t know what to do
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
A dad and his duck
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.