Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
You Might Also Like
yea so i messed up lol
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.