You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.