In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Perfection.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Seek kebab; not attention
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages