Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Snapes on a plane.