There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.