I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
what are they serving at kfc then???
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.