Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?