It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753