He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
s
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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there