Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Received some very disappointing news today
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.