ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.