*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
For anyone who needs this today
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
TRAIN’S HERE
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!