Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.