I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Just a reminder, folks:
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.