i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.