My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My plans: 2020:
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next