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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….