I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Miscakes
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me checking my bank balance online.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Risking my life for fun.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer