If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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I am never leaving this website
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work