Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?