[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Morning my dudes.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics