Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
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me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
This cat wants you to take your pills
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes