Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.