They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.