[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…