Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.