Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise