me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.