my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker