I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.