Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
You Might Also Like
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My Plans 2020
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.