Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Sing it!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Natural selection at its finest
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?