“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.