She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.