they should invent a rest for the wicked
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
😂😂
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I wanna be friends with this person