I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”