[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.